UPDATE: Upon further forensic analysis, it has been determined that no data breach did in fact occur.
"Advertisers and data brokers have returned our subscriber information to us intact and unopened," said Gagne. "None of them had the hardware or software with which to decipher our AppleWorks database format on 5.25" floppy, rendering the files useless to them."
APRIL 1, 2018 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS, the world's last and longest-running print publication dedicated to the Apple II, is the latest victim of a grievous and unlikely data breach.
"Our subscribers' privacy is sacrosanct, and their information will never be traded, sold, or shared," said publisher Ken Gagne. "Unfortunately, no security is impregnable. There was simply no way to know that trying to connect with my friends in FarmVille would give Facebook access to our customer database."
As a result of this breach, personally identifiable information (PII) about Apple II users has been made accessible to advertisers, data brokers, and political influencers, including the notorious Kansas Analytica. Among this PII are detailed subscriber demographics, including Apple II model, CPU speed, KansasFest roommate preference, and position on waiting lists for CFFA3000 and Uthernet II cards.
As a preventive measure against identity theft, Juiced.GS publisher Gamebits will offer subscribers a two-year subscription to data protection service LifeLock. Or, at least, it would like to. "When I called LifeLock and explained that I was concerned unscrupulous individuals would claim to be owners of 40-year-old Apple computers with 64 KB of RAM and a 140K floppy drive, they laughed and hung up," a confused Gagne related.
The repercussions of this breach have been immediate, as experienced by subscriber Kirk Millwood. "Previously, my web browsing would be plagued by advertisements for mattresses, web hosting, toenail fungus removal, and more," complained Millwood. "Now I'm being targeted with ads for 65816 accelerators, CompactFlash readers, modem emulators, and Pascal compilers. This is GREAT!"
"This breach is the best thing to happen to the retrocomputing community in a long time," agreed Evan Koblentz, organizer of the Vintage Computer Festival (VCF). "I never knew which, if any, Apple II users would show up to our events. Now I know exactly who they are — and what varieties of Krispy Kreme donuts will lure them here."
Gamebits will continue to investigate how to reclaim its data and prevent further dissemination. One drastic measure is already on the horizon: after this coming May's implementation of the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), Juiced.GS will be banned from the European Union. Former subscribers should instead register for Juiced.FR, a new, French-language quarterly Apple II journal published by Brutal Deluxe.
Assured Brutal Deluxe's Antoine Vignau: "Brutal Deluxe will protect the data of its subscribers as thoroughly as the Maginot line."· Tags: April Fools, data breach, data leak, GDPR, Maginot line