UPDATE: Upon further forensic analysis, it has been determined that no data breach did in fact occur.

"Advertisers and data brokers have returned our subscriber information to us intact and unopened," said Gagne. "None of them had the hardware or software with which to decipher our AppleWorks database format on 5.25" floppy, rendering the files useless to them."

APRIL 1, 2018 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS, the world's last and longest-running print publication dedicated to the Apple II, is the latest victim of a grievous and unlikely data breach.

"Our subscribers' privacy is sacrosanct, and their information will never be traded, sold, or shared," said publisher Ken Gagne. "Unfortunately, no security is impregnable. There was simply no way to know that trying to connect with my friends in FarmVille would give Facebook access to our customer database."

Juicy apple leak w/drops

As a result of this breach, personally identifiable information (PII) about Apple II users has been made accessible to advertisers, data brokers, and political influencers, including the notorious Kansas Analytica. Among this PII are detailed subscriber demographics, including Apple II model, CPU speed, KansasFest roommate preference, and position on waiting lists for CFFA3000 and Uthernet II cards.

As a preventive measure against identity theft, Juiced.GS publisher Gamebits will offer subscribers a two-year subscription to data protection service LifeLock. Or, at least, it would like to. "When I called LifeLock and explained that I was concerned unscrupulous individuals would claim to be owners of 40-year-old Apple computers with 64 KB of RAM and a 140K floppy drive, they laughed and hung up," a confused Gagne related.

The repercussions of this breach have been immediate, as experienced by subscriber Kirk Millwood. "Previously, my web browsing would be plagued by advertisements for mattresses, web hosting, toenail fungus removal, and more," complained Millwood. "Now I'm being targeted with ads for 65816 accelerators, CompactFlash readers, modem emulators, and Pascal compilers. This is GREAT!"

Amazon ad

Do you like applesauce? Then Amazon recommends you also try Juiced.GS.

"This breach is the best thing to happen to the retrocomputing community in a long time," agreed Evan Koblentz, organizer of the Vintage Computer Festival (VCF). "I never knew which, if any, Apple II users would show up to our events. Now I know exactly who they are — and what varieties of Krispy Kreme donuts will lure them here."

Juiced.FR

Gamebits will continue to investigate how to reclaim its data and prevent further dissemination. One drastic measure is already on the horizon: after this coming May's implementation of the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), Juiced.GS will be banned from the European Union. Former subscribers should instead register for Juiced.FR, a new, French-language quarterly Apple II journal published by Brutal Deluxe.

Assured Brutal Deluxe's Antoine Vignau: "Brutal Deluxe will protect the data of its subscribers as thoroughly as the Maginot line."

APRIL 1, 2017 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS, the world's last and longest-running print publication dedicated to the Apple II, is finally eliminating traditional hardcopy delivery in favor of a more reliable distribution method.

"Relying on the United States Postal Service to deliver our magazine has resulted in several cantankerous subscribers, especially in Australia," grumbled publisher Ken Gagne. "We've explored alternative carriers — UPS, FedEx, DHL — and not one offered the the satisfaction guarantee that Apple II customers deserve."

Concluded Gagne: "Sometimes, if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself."

Starting immediately, all Juiced.GS subscribers will enjoy personal hand delivery of their issues. As a preliminary trial run, customers in select test markets received their March issues directly from Gagne, resulting in glowing praise. Carrington Vanston, host of the prolific 1 MHz podcast, gushed:

I don't know if I'm supposed to give away the secrets of the 8-bit publishing star chamber, but I can tell you non-subscribers something you might not know about Juiced.GS: when you subscribe, every issue you receive has been hand-lettered in gold-flaked ink by ex-Apple employees. And then — then, Ken Gagne puts it in his car and he drives it to you anywhere in the world (he's got like a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang kind of car) and he hand-delivers your copy. He comes right into your house — you know, breaks in or whatever — and then he places it right on your coffee table, squares it up all nice and neat with a t-bar. The presentation is amazing. I mean, okay, sure, he usually, you know, goes through your fridge or whatever, but this is the kind of service you just don't see anymore from the mainstream press. You really only see it from a publisher who's had the foresight and the dedication to collect the wisdom and the, you know, the actual brains of the great magazine publishers of the eighties. You should see his collection! It's — it's … it's frankly terrifying.

Juiced.GS subscribers will know their issue is en route when they spot the magazine's unique branded vehicle coming down the street.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

The official Juiced.GS delivery wagon.

"I look forward to visiting our loyal subscribers wherever they may live, day or night — whatever it takes to ensure every customer, everywhere, is reading every single word and sentence we slaved over," Gagne menaced. "Apple II… FOREVER!!"

As a consequence of this improved service, Juiced.GS is changing its publication frequency from quarterly to annually, to allow time for delivery. The last customer is scheduled to receive their next issue in March 2018. Renewals are now being accepted.

April 1, 2016 · Comments Off on Encryption comes to Juiced.GS

APRIL 1, 2016 — LEOMINSTER, MA — In a rare show of support for modern-day Apple Inc., Juiced.GS has come out on the side of encryption in the ongoing battle between the former manufacturer of the Apple II and the FBI.

FBI vs. Juiced.GS

It's on.

"It is every developer's and every publisher's right to communicate with their customers without the government eavesdropping," said magazine editor Ken Gagne. "That goes for Juiced.GS as well. But with a number of Juiced.GS issues addressed to Australia being inexplicably delayed or intercepted, we can only assume agents within the USPS are funneling our magazines to the FBI for analysis. This is a gross breach of our customers' confidentiality: our hacker interviews, programming tutorials, and game reviews are for subscribers' eyes only."

Juiced.GS V21I1 (Encrypted)To defeat this latest threat to our intrinsic freedom and national security, all issues of Juiced.GS will now come with AES 128-bit encryption. The encoded text can be typed into an Apple II running The Byte Works' Crypto software, available from the Juiced.GS store, resulting in a seamless, integrated reading experience. An accelerator card is recommended to allow each issue to be decrypted before the next quarter's Juiced.GS arrives. Other compatible hardware includes the Quickie handheld scanner for faster input and the CFFA3000 for optional two-factor authentication via a USB dongle.

Juiced.GS readers have long requested a digital edition of the magazine, so to produce this new format, the longest-running Apple II print publication is taking a cue from a successful predecessor. "We're big fans of Nibble and know our readers will appreciate this return to typing in programs from magazine—except this time, the program is the magazine," said Gagne. Supporting this new initiative, Juiced.GS will begin publishing 'one-liner' articles, starting with movie reviews by Eric 'Sheppy' Shepherd.

"Although we traditionally are a politically neutral publication, we felt this stance was an important one to take," affirmed Gagne. "And a safe one: we bet not even the All Writs Act of 1789 will know what to do with an Apple II."

APRIL 1, 2015 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS, having recently debuted the first issue of its twentieth volume, is capitalizing on that achievement by announcing a commitment to publish far into the future.

"Twenty years of Juiced.GS and 38 years of the Apple II — those are no small feats," says editor and publisher Ken Gagne. "But we want to be here to mark some truly significant milestones — ones that extend into the triple digits."

Frozen apples by Luminitsa

Juiced.GS embraces the latest advances in cryogenic technology.

To that end, Juiced.GS is committing to publish through A.D. 2102, the quasquicentennial of the Apple II. Not content to settle for just another hundred years, Juiced.GS will cover the Apple II across three different centuries, proving it is, once and for all, the longest-running print publication dedicated to the Apple II.

To ensure Juiced.GS's availability in the far-flung future, all publishing operations will be suspended immediately, and the entirety of its staff will be cryogenically frozen, set to thaw in time for KansasFest CXIV. "This will give our dedicated team of writers the youth and vitality they need to continue producing the content they're reknown for," promised Gagne. Staff members were unavailable for comment on this news.

The lineup for the 107th volume's debut issue includes a tutorial for overlocking the Apple IIGS up to 1.2 tetrahertz; a review of the new USB 9.0-Z interface card from UltimateMicro Syndibits; a roundup of Apple II emulators for Apple FlyPlay, the flying car OS; an interview with Steve Wozniak IV; and a preview of Geoff Weiss's Taipan game.

Preorders for Juiced.GS 2102 are currently being accepted. Subscribers are required to specify a mailing address in their will.

UPDATE: The publisher of Juiced.GS has retracted the press release of April 1, 2014, which included a typo.

The section which indicated that Juiced.GS would be expanding to cover the Macintosh computer was supposed to read, "Juiced.GS is doing better than ever. It has always been, and will always be, exclusively an Apple II publication, serving the community that still believes in 'Apple II Forever'."

"I regret that our proofreaders did not catch this minor typo," said Ken Gagne, the magazine's editor. "The keys are, like, right next to each other."


APRIL 1, 2014 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS announced today an expansion of coverage that will ensure the magazine continues breaking records as the longest-running Apple II print publication.

Juiced.GS April 2014"I've previously gone on record as saying that Juiced.GS will stop printing the day there's nothing left to write about," says Ken Gagne, publisher since 2007. "That day has finally arrived when we must make a difficult decision."

With hardware like the Uthernet II, CFFA3000, Apple II Pi, and Replica-1 Ten; software such as Sweet16, A2CLOUD, stitch, and Retro Fever; events like KansasFest, OzKFest, and Vintage Computer Fest; and books such as Sophistication & Simplicity, The WOZPAK, and Jobs, the Apple II community is experiencing a drought of innovation, resulting in the shrinkage of Juiced.GS from 24 pages to a mere 20.

But, says Gagne, "Rather than admit defeat, we're demonstrating the innovation that Apple users are known for. Stealing a play from the inCider/A+ handbook, Juiced.GS is expanding to provide coverage of classic Macintosh computers."

Starting with the April 1 issue, Juiced.GS will feature retro Macs, defined as those computers produced from January 1984 through March 1991. The news, reviews, interviews, tips, and tricks Juiced.GS has become known for will be applied to this new platform, encouraging Apple II users to upgrade to the next generation of Apple computer, eventually evolving the publication's name to Juiced.LC.

"In this way, Apple II users can express their trademark belligerence at refusing to upgrade by doing so — but on our own time," boasts Gagne. "Let's see Apple claim this as a victory!"

With the new focus, Juiced.LC will bump up its length to 22 pages per issue. Subscriptions will continue to be available for $19 for customers in the United States, $24 in Canada, and $27 elsewhere in the world. New with this volume is a PDF-only option, available for $99/issue, offsetting the carbon footprint of delivering millions of bits per issue as opposed to a mere 22 pages in hardcopy.