April Fools Archives - Page 2 of 3

Posted on Apr 1, 2019Oct 4, 2022 by Ken Gagne — 2 Comments

Juiced.GS announces Apple II-powered cryptocurrency

A tower of 16 networked Apple II computers

APRIL 1, 2019 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Gamebits, renowned publisher of Juiced.GS and retailer of Apple II books and software, is introducing a new cryptocurrency for use exclusively in retrocomputing transactions.

Juicybits™ will be a groundbreaking payment method powered by blockchain technology, adapted to run on 8-bit machines. Apple II users, known to hoard more vintage machines than they could ever possibly use, can finally set their collections to the task of recouping the investment in this expensive and otherwise purely nostalgic hobby.

As with any cryptocurrency, the more processing power available, the more Juicybits™ can be mined. As Juicybits™ can be produced only on Apple II hardware, Juiced.GS publisher Gamebits has partnered with Michael J. Mahon to sell AppleCrates to any parties interested in getting in on the ground floor. These towers of sixteen networked Apple II motherboards are expected to initially mine one Juicybit™ per month. An AppleCrate server farm is also currently being constructed at Rockhurst University, where KansasFest attendees can lease time on additional processors. Negotiations are ongoing to provide the school’s Corcoran Hall with additional air-conditioning units.

Individual users are welcome to participate using their existing retrocomputing hardware via a broadband Internet connection. Consistent with the decentralized nature of cryptocurrency, blocks will be scattered across a number of telnet BBS message boards, waiting to be found and verified. Spectrum Internet Suite, the graphical web browser for which support was recently discontinued, will also be updated. When paired with the web-hosting software Silver Platter, Apple IIGS users will be able to deliver and engage in cryptojacking.

Apple II users without an Uthernet card can elect for their next issue of Juiced.GS to be bundled with an encrypted block on a 5.25″ floppy disk. When the block is verified, it can be mailed back to Gamebits to be added to the blockchain. Limited editions of Juiced.GS will also include printed blocks that can be typed into an Apple II to be verified.

Whether the blocks are delivered digitally or via physical media, Juicybits™’ encryption and privacy are as strong as any other cryptocurrency, as the Apple II flies below the radar of most malevolent hackers. Mysterious cracker 4am has promised to set his sights on Juicybits™ as soon as the Internet Archive contains all Apple II floppies ever made — a threat ameliorated through judicious application of Zeno’s dichotomy paradox.

Juicybits™ will prove an exciting financial opportunity for Apple II users. Other cryptocurrencies, including Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, can be exchanged for Juicybits™ on the free market. Due to the limited pool of Apple II computers available, Juicybits™ will have a high initial value, with an exchange rate of a dozen Juicybits™ per Bitcoin. Each Juicybit™ can then be used to extend a Juiced.GS subscription for one month.

As Juicybits™ gain momentum, widespread market penetration is expected to occur by mid-2020. ReActiveMicro will not only be the second store to adopt Juicybits™, but will do so exclusively, abandoning other payment methods. Said an enthusiastic Henry Courbis, “If you thought our TransWarp processors were impressive, wait until you see our payment processors!”

Posted on Apr 1, 2018Oct 4, 2022 by Ken Gagne — 6 Comments

Juiced.GS NOT the victim of a data breach

UPDATE: Upon further forensic analysis, it has been determined that no data breach did in fact occur.

“Advertisers and data brokers have returned our subscriber information to us intact and unopened,” said Gagne. “None of them had the hardware or software with which to decipher our AppleWorks database format on 5.25″ floppy, rendering the files useless to them.”

APRIL 1, 2018 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS, the world’s last and longest-running print publication dedicated to the Apple II, is the latest victim of a grievous and unlikely data breach.

“Our subscribers’ privacy is sacrosanct, and their information will never be traded, sold, or shared,” said publisher Ken Gagne. “Unfortunately, no security is impregnable. There was simply no way to know that trying to connect with my friends in FarmVille would give Facebook access to our customer database.”

As a result of this breach, personally identifiable information (PII) about Apple II users has been made accessible to advertisers, data brokers, and political influencers, including the notorious Kansas Analytica. Among this PII are detailed subscriber demographics, including Apple II model, CPU speed, KansasFest roommate preference, and position on waiting lists for CFFA3000 and Uthernet II cards.

As a preventive measure against identity theft, Juiced.GS publisher Gamebits will offer subscribers a two-year subscription to data protection service LifeLock. Or, at least, it would like to. “When I called LifeLock and explained that I was concerned unscrupulous individuals would claim to be owners of 40-year-old Apple computers with 64 KB of RAM and a 140K floppy drive, they laughed and hung up,” a confused Gagne related.

The repercussions of this breach have been immediate, as experienced by subscriber Kirk Millwood. “Previously, my web browsing would be plagued by advertisements for mattresses, web hosting, toenail fungus removal, and more,” complained Millwood. “Now I’m being targeted with ads for 65816 accelerators, CompactFlash readers, modem emulators, and Pascal compilers. This is GREAT!”

Amazon ad — *Do you like applesauce? Then Amazon recommends you also try* Juiced.GS.

“This breach is the best thing to happen to the retrocomputing community in a long time,” agreed Evan Koblentz, organizer of the Vintage Computer Festival (VCF). “I never knew which, if any, Apple II users would show up to our events. Now I know exactly who they are — and what varieties of Krispy Kreme donuts will lure them here.”

Gamebits will continue to investigate how to reclaim its data and prevent further dissemination. One drastic measure is already on the horizon: after this coming May’s implementation of the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), Juiced.GS will be banned from the European Union. Former subscribers should instead register for Juiced.FR, a new, French-language quarterly Apple II journal published by Brutal Deluxe.

Assured Brutal Deluxe’s Antoine Vignau: “Brutal Deluxe will protect the data of its subscribers as thoroughly as the Maginot line.”

Posted on Apr 1, 2017Oct 4, 2022 by Ken Gagne — 2 Comments

Juiced.GS announces hand delivery

APRIL 1, 2017 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS, the world’s last and longest-running print publication dedicated to the Apple II, is finally eliminating traditional hardcopy delivery in favor of a more reliable distribution method.

“Relying on the United States Postal Service to deliver our magazine has resulted in several cantankerous subscribers, especially in Australia,” grumbled publisher Ken Gagne. “We’ve explored alternative carriers — UPS, FedEx, DHL — and not one offered the the satisfaction guarantee that Apple II customers deserve.”

Concluded Gagne: “Sometimes, if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.”

Starting immediately, all Juiced.GS subscribers will enjoy personal hand delivery of their issues. As a preliminary trial run, customers in select test markets received their March issues directly from Gagne, resulting in glowing praise. Carrington Vanston, host of the prolific 1 MHz podcast, gushed:

I don’t know if I’m supposed to give away the secrets of the 8-bit publishing star chamber, but I can tell you non-subscribers something you might not know about Juiced.GS: when you subscribe, every issue you receive has been hand-lettered in gold-flaked ink by ex-Apple employees. And then — then, Ken Gagne puts it in his car and he drives it to you anywhere in the world (he’s got like a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang kind of car) and he hand-delivers your copy. He comes right into your house — you know, breaks in or whatever — and then he places it right on your coffee table, squares it up all nice and neat with a t-bar. The presentation is amazing. I mean, okay, sure, he usually, you know, goes through your fridge or whatever, but this is the kind of service you just don’t see anymore from the mainstream press. You really only see it from a publisher who’s had the foresight and the dedication to collect the wisdom and the, you know, the actual brains of the great magazine publishers of the eighties. You should see his collection! It’s — it’s … it’s frankly terrifying.

Juiced.GS subscribers will know their issue is en route when they spot the magazine’s unique branded vehicle coming down the street.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang — *The official* Juiced.GS delivery wagon.

“I look forward to visiting our loyal subscribers wherever they may live, day or night — whatever it takes to ensure every customer, everywhere, is reading every single word and sentence we slaved over,” Gagne menaced. “Apple II… FOREVER!!“

As a consequence of this improved service, Juiced.GS is changing its publication frequency from quarterly to annually, to allow time for delivery. The last customer is scheduled to receive their next issue in March 2018. Renewals are now being accepted.

Posted on Apr 1, 2016Oct 4, 2022 by Ken Gagne

Encryption comes to Juiced.GS

APRIL 1, 2016 — LEOMINSTER, MA — In a rare show of support for modern-day Apple Inc., Juiced.GS has come out on the side of encryption in the ongoing battle between the former manufacturer of the Apple II and the FBI.

“It is every developer’s and every publisher’s right to communicate with their customers without the government eavesdropping,” said magazine editor Ken Gagne. “That goes for Juiced.GS as well. But with a number of Juiced.GS issues addressed to Australia being inexplicably delayed or intercepted, we can only assume agents within the USPS are funneling our magazines to the FBI for analysis. This is a gross breach of our customers’ confidentiality: our hacker interviews, programming tutorials, and game reviews are for subscribers’ eyes only.”

To defeat this latest threat to our intrinsic freedom and national security, all issues of Juiced.GS will now come with AES 128-bit encryption. The encoded text can be typed into an Apple II running The Byte Works’ Crypto software, available from the Juiced.GS store, resulting in a seamless, integrated reading experience. An accelerator card is recommended to allow each issue to be decrypted before the next quarter’s Juiced.GS arrives. Other compatible hardware includes the Quickie handheld scanner for faster input and the CFFA3000 for optional two-factor authentication via a USB dongle.

Juiced.GS readers have long requested a digital edition of the magazine, so to produce this new format, the longest-running Apple II print publication is taking a cue from a successful predecessor. “We’re big fans of Nibble and know our readers will appreciate this return to typing in programs from magazine—except this time, the program is the magazine,” said Gagne. Supporting this new initiative, Juiced.GS will begin publishing ‘one-liner’ articles, starting with movie reviews by Eric ‘Sheppy’ Shepherd.

“Although we traditionally are a politically neutral publication, we felt this stance was an important one to take,” affirmed Gagne. “And a safe one: we bet not even the All Writs Act of 1789 will know what to do with an Apple II.”

Posted on Apr 1, 2015Apr 1, 2023 by Ken Gagne — 3 Comments

Juiced.GS to publish in distant future

APRIL 1, 2015 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Juiced.GS, having recently debuted the first issue of its twentieth volume, is capitalizing on that achievement by announcing a commitment to publish far into the future.

“Twenty years of Juiced.GS and 38 years of the Apple II — those are no small feats,” says editor and publisher Ken Gagne. “But we want to be here to mark some truly significant milestones — ones that extend into the triple digits.”

To that end, Juiced.GS is committing to publish through A.D. 2102, the quasquicentennial of the Apple II. Not content to settle for just another hundred years, Juiced.GS will cover the Apple II across three different centuries, proving it is, once and for all, the longest-running print publication dedicated to the Apple II.

To ensure Juiced.GS‘s availability in the far-flung future, all publishing operations will be suspended immediately, and the entirety of its staff will be cryogenically frozen, set to thaw in time for KansasFest CXIV. “This will give our dedicated team of writers the youth and vitality they need to continue producing the content they’re reknown for,” promised Gagne. Staff members were unavailable for comment on this news.

The lineup for the 107th volume’s debut issue includes a tutorial for overlocking the Apple IIGS up to 1.2 tetrahertz; a review of the new USB 9.0-Z interface card from UltimateMicro Syndibits; a roundup of Apple II emulators for Apple FlyPlay, the flying car OS; an interview with Steve Wozniak IV; and a preview of Geoff Weiss’s Taipan game.

Preorders for Juiced.GS 2102 are currently being accepted. Subscribers are required to specify a mailing address in their will.