APRIL 1, 2019 — LEOMINSTER, MA — Gamebits, renowned publisher of Juiced.GS and retailer of Apple II books and software, is introducing a new cryptocurrency for use exclusively in retrocomputing transactions.
Juicybits™ will be a groundbreaking payment method powered by blockchain technology, adapted to run on 8-bit machines. Apple II users, known to hoard more vintage machines than they could ever possibly use, can finally set their collections to the task of recouping the investment in this expensive and otherwise purely nostalgic hobby.
As with any cryptocurrency, the more processing power available, the more Juicybits™ can be mined. As Juicybits™ can be produced only on Apple II hardware, Juiced.GS publisher Gamebits has partnered with Michael J. Mahon to sell AppleCrates to any parties interested in getting in on the ground floor. These towers of sixteen networked Apple II motherboards are expected to initially mine one Juicybit™ per month. An AppleCrate server farm is also currently being constructed at Rockhurst University, where KansasFest attendees can lease time on additional processors. Negotiations are ongoing to provide the school's Corcoran Hall with additional air-conditioning units.
Individual users are welcome to participate using their existing retrocomputing hardware via a broadband Internet connection. Consistent with the decentralized nature of cryptocurrency, blocks will be scattered across a number of telnet BBS message boards, waiting to be found and verified. Spectrum Internet Suite, the graphical web browser for which support was recently discontinued, will also be updated. When paired with the web-hosting software Silver Platter, Apple IIGS users will be able to deliver and engage in cryptojacking.
Apple II users without an Uthernet card can elect for their next issue of Juiced.GS to be bundled with an encrypted block on a 5.25" floppy disk. When the block is verified, it can be mailed back to Gamebits to be added to the blockchain. Limited editions of Juiced.GS will also include printed blocks that can be typed into an Apple II to be verified.
Whether the blocks are delivered digitally or via physical media, Juicybits™' encryption and privacy are as strong as any other cryptocurrency, as the Apple II flies below the radar of most malevolent hackers. Mysterious cracker 4am has promised to set his sights on Juicybits™ as soon as the Internet Archive contains all Apple II floppies ever made — a threat ameliorated through judicious application of Zeno's dichotomy paradox.
Juicybits™ will prove an exciting financial opportunity for Apple II users. Other cryptocurrencies, including Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, can be exchanged for Juicybits™ on the free market. Due to the limited pool of Apple II computers available, Juicybits™ will have a high initial value, with an exchange rate of a dozen Juicybits™ per Bitcoin. Each Juicybit™ can then be used to extend a Juiced.GS subscription for one month.
As Juicybits™ gain momentum, widespread market penetration is expected to occur by mid-2020. ReActiveMicro will not only be the second store to adopt Juicybits™, but will do so exclusively, abandoning other payment methods. Said an enthusiastic Henry Courbis, "If you thought our TransWarp processors were impressive, wait until you see our payment processors!"